U R A Dummy

Someone should really write a how-to book on text messaging. When e-mailing because the modus operandi of communication, we learned that WRITING IN CAPS WAS PROBABLY NOT THE BEST WAY TO TELL YOUR BOSS THAT YOU NEEDED TO TAKE THE DAY OFF BECAUSE YOUR GRANDMA ETHEL WAS HAVING A HYSTERECTOMY, extensive :) and ?!?!?! usage was downright annoying, and little girls in Mogadishu would not grow a third arm while simultaneously being attacked by gorillas if we didn't forward a message to eighty-six people we knew.

People have been writing whole books on how to compose the perfect e-mail for years now. We all know how to write a subject line that most clearly gets our message across in eight words or less, can tell the difference between "Regards" and "Best," and know that e-mailing your best friend about your coworker's halitosis probably should be reviewed several times to make sure it doesn't get mailed out company-wide.

Nowhere, however, has anybody told me how to develop a text message that not only depicts how incredibly witty, laid-back and easy going I am, without seeming overly anxious to actually have my phone vibrate. I need a 'Text Messaging for Dummys' book, stat.

Questions that this guide should answer include:

1. What's the appropriate length of a text message? When you run over the limit of characters allotted to the message (1), should you stop? If you have more to say than that, should you instead be making a phone call?
2. Do you always have to address the person you're texting, or can you just lead with your statement/question?
3. If you're dodging a phone call and would rather text than pick up, how long should you wait so the other person buys that you were actually away from your phone?
4. If you're trying to play it cool, how long should you wait between receiving a text and replying?
5. If someone says goodnight at the end of their text, must you reply?

Someone out there must know the answers to these questions. Help. My social life is in danger.