Tastes like chicken

Internet, I hate the things attached to ankles. Surely you've heard of this hatred (dare I say phobia?) before. If you know me in person, you've definitely witnessed my goosebumps, sick faces, and shudders at the mere mention of them. You've probably also tormented me with threats and waving appendages. Ahh, good times.

At dinner at Spaz's house the other night, talk of the subject came up and like a bolt of white lightening, someone opened a drawer and pulled this out:



A CANDY SEVERED FOOD, INTERNET. Now, if you're like me, you were thinking any number and quite possibly all of the following:

1. Why, God? Why?
2. With friends like this, who needs enemies?
3. O no, I'm going to be sick.
4. Hmm, I wonder what that tastes like.

In between the chest pain, heavy breathing and cold sweat, I managed to regain my composure and actually hold the severed foot. After hearing "EAT IT! EAT IT! EAT IT!" chants (if you leave a 'that's what he said' note in the comments, I'll love you forever), most notably by Forsoothsayer, I tried the damn thing. Contrary to my personal belief, the severed foot was gooier than expected and I wasn't able to pull it apart - thus negating its disgustingness and allowing for an easier ingestion of said candy. I managed to barely chew the whole thing and guess what?! It was gross!

Moral of the story: If it looks like a severed foot and acts like a severed foot, it'll taste like a severed foot. Children, beware.

Things I've Learned While Being Sidelined with Swine Flu and Other Related Illnesses

• Your coworkers will be happy you're back, but will insist you keep the window next to your desk open at all times

• Your sister will show empathy towards you until you're able to put your pants on by yourself and then she'll act like she's never met you before
  

• Coughing up green things is good for you
  

• It's possible to pull muscles next to your lungs. After laying on the floor and being felt up by a doctor you work with, you can be diagnosed with having a fractured rib. Regardless of what it actually is, an exorcism is probably less painful.
  

I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with myself once I'm healthy again. Skydive? Show jump? Wrestle a bear? The possibilities are endless.

Oink

It was inevitable, really. If anyone was going to get swine flu, it was going to be me. Because seriously, if my body's going to fall prey to regular food poisoning, salmonella and typhoid, WHY WOULDN'T IT contract swine flu? I might as well have tied a ribbon in my hair and held up a "Welcome Home" banner because if this body is anything, it's a sucker for disease.

I've been feeling slightly under the weather since last Sunday, but soldiered through in order to make it to my cousin's wedding. The wedding went off without a hitch, I went to work the next day (Wednesday), got told I looked like death, and took Thursday off. New Year's Eve came and went with a blur - at 12:05, I was nursing a 101 degree Fahrenheit (38.6 degree Celcius for those of you who insist on calling soccer 'football') fever and receiving cold compresses. The next day, I missed my other cousin's birthday dinner (Thai food - my favorite) and quality time with my family friends from Kuwait. O, and there was that four hour gap in the middle of the night where I threw up five times, but who's counting?

Yesterday, when my fever refused to quit, I took my wobbly legs to the doctor. Before his cold as ice stethoscope touched my aching chest, he diagnosed me with the swine. So, now I'm on bed rest for five days. There are worse ways I could be spending time away from work, but with all my shows on hiatus, my laptop time is in serious distress. My YouTube is working fine though, so please send me entertaining links!