Texts from last night (and some other nights)

Last night, I got a text from a friend saying "If anything ever happens to me, don't let my mom read my messages." Of course the only thing I can think about now is reading those messages, but because she lives thousands of miles away, I thought I'd go through mine and see if I had anything equally salacious (I don't, but here are some gems.) I've done this before here and here.

Oh god. Hope there's no nipple exposure or the like.

Just saw dog on leash literally size of shoe. Thought was something stuck to woman at first. (Follow up: Yes...probably cost twice as much as real dog.)

Might barf.

Poop in cup! Please. Are not poor widow in mid ages, can get help!

Just found a tissue in the pocket of my cardigan. Because apparently I'm an 80 year old man now.

I wish to engage with u.

Heard you got swine ful (yes, ful), is that true?

My texts are better than Andrew's.

Are lotions not liquid? Panic!

Woohoo can't wait for my special chin finger wiggle!

No dance floor, dj 21 wearing leopard print onesie with red chanel purse. Many male embryos in skinny jeans and shirts literally held together with paper clips.

Squatting easier than hovering. But i also take pants right off and lean on walls.

Aswan, you little minx

Here I am, Internet! I've gotten a number of requests in the past few days to put up a new post, but the creative juices just aren't flowing. Most probable reason: THEY WERE EVAPORATED BY THE 50 DEGREE CELSIUS WEATHER I WAS IN LAST WEEK. In the shade. No, seriously. Feel my pain, Internet.

Work chewed me up and spit me out in Upper Egypt for five days last week, and let's just say, I'd never been more excited to return to Cairo than I was on Thursday. Don't get me wrong - the Nile is really pretty down (up?) there and housekeeping leaves you fun towel creatures like these on your bed after they clean (clean?) your room, but still.

While trying to tame my freshly cut bangs that seemed to want to assume every position other than 'flat against head' and regulate my heartbeat for the two and a half hour car ride while sitting next to baby quails (!), I had a number of, well, interesting, conversations. Behold:

Me (to waiter): Umm, do you serve fish here?
Workshop Participant (to me, not giving the waiter a chance to respond): You don't eat meat?
Me: No, I don't actually.
Workshop Participant: What about liver?

Me (hotel room, 1 am, just finished a day of field work, on the phone with hotel reception): Umm, someone took the batteries out of my AC remote. Can you please bring some up.
Hotel Reception Guy (1:15 am, my room, after opening up the back of the remote, seeing no batteries, but then pressing every single button on the remote): O yes, this isn't working. *Opens room next door and takes the batteries out of their remote.

Driver (after asking me to plug my iPod into his car radio): This guy is really good! Who is he?
Me: Usher.
Driver: Usher. Ah, kwayis dah (Yes, he's good).

Me (hotel room, 5 pm, just finished a day of field work, on the phone with hotel reception): Umm, the shower's leaking.
Hotel Reception Guy (5:20 pm): Ma howa shaghaal aho (It seems to be working).
Me: Yes, I know it's working. It won't stop dripping.
Hotel Reception Guy: Yes, but it's working. Do you want more water pressure? Do you want me to turn the water heater on? Do you need more towels?
Me: Umm, no to all of those. How about you try to turn it off.
Hotel Reception Guy (tries to turn off shower): Oh.

And then there was this guy who I saw "swimming" in the pool on my last day. Thought he was dead for a few seconds until I saw him floundering around. Might have been weighed down by his beard.

And the best news? I'm going back tomorrow.

Also, this is my 200th post. You'd think someone would have had a cupcake ready or something.

SOAS Love

Stumbled upon this flash rave video that two grad school friends (hi tiny e! Hi Krish!) posted on Facebook last night/this morning. The video was filmed in the library at the School of Oriental and African Studies (SOAS). I spent many a night in that library highlighting entire chapters of books, teaching British kids how to twirl pens on their fingers 'like American kids do,' and listening to the wise words of the night librarian. Every day I question why I ever left that school, and then I remember that four years later, I'm still paying the American government back for letting me go in the first place.

Just your average Thursday

My dad comes to Cairo every few weeks, and when he does, it's a collective effort to find fun things to keep him entertained. You can imagine our surprise when he suggested a Thursday night activity. Behold...

Dad: Are you guys bored? Want to do something?

Me and Little One: Uhh, sure. What do you have in mind?

Dad: I have about 1,000 slides I need to edit on PowerPoint. I've done some, and they took about two weeks to finish, so...

Me and Little One: *eyes rolled and death

Awkward Family Conversation

Me: I spent six hours watching the Kardashians last night.

Aunt: Why? What do you like about them?

Me: It was more of a sociological study of how people who have done nothing in their life can get so rich and famous.

Aunt: Why are they even famous?

Me: One of them had a sex tape, and then...

Aunt: Do you know how many people have sex tapes?!

Me: DO YOU?!

Things that make me want to pick up and leave. Immediately.

1. My sister eating the last piece of chocolate from Lebanon I had dibs on.
2. My mom giving my sister permission to eat the last piece of chocolate from Lebanon I had dibs on.
3. This Vodafone customer service representative who wants to a) know absolutely nothing about her job and b) try to school me on things she knows nothing about.
4. My coworkers trying to tell me that vegetarianism is the work of the Devil.
5. My cat throwing up on every surface she puts her dainty little paws on.

But really, it's the chocolate that I'm maddest about. Watch your back, Little One. I'm your worst nightmare is who I is.

Also, if you'd like to send me snacks, e-mail me at thingsonmymindgrapes at gmail dot com for my mailing address.

Hate myself

Things I've eaten in the four hours I've been home from work today:

• stir-fried green beans and rice
• a pickled eggplant
• a dill pickle
• chips and salsa
• a red apple
  
• bbq chips
• a peanut butter sandwich
  

So, either I'm pregnant or a new parasite has decided to put down roots in my body. Either way, I think I'm going to draw a smiley face on my belly and ask people to 'say hello to my little friend' when they walk by.

Employment: A Visual Representation

So, work has been pretty slow lately. Slow in the kind of way where there IS actual work to be done...I just don't feel like doing it. This wasn't always the case though. I was a busy little bee when I first came to this office - always one step ahead, finishing work before people had a chance to walk out of my office. I quickly realized that the faster I finished my work, the more people would assign to me - so I've devised a little strategy called NOT DOING ANYTHING to get me through my days. And rather than comb through these reports on Yemen, I'll upload these fancy little graphs Little One made for me last night.

Show's I've been known to watch at this job:

• Modern Family
• Community
• Glee
  
• Scrubs
• American Idol

Productivity level since I started this job:



How I spend my days at this job:



Wait, what? A new episode of How I Met Your Mother's out? Peace out Girl Scouts.

*Note: If you are my actual employer, please don't fire me.

Tastes like chicken

Internet, I hate the things attached to ankles. Surely you've heard of this hatred (dare I say phobia?) before. If you know me in person, you've definitely witnessed my goosebumps, sick faces, and shudders at the mere mention of them. You've probably also tormented me with threats and waving appendages. Ahh, good times.

At dinner at Spaz's house the other night, talk of the subject came up and like a bolt of white lightening, someone opened a drawer and pulled this out:



A CANDY SEVERED FOOD, INTERNET. Now, if you're like me, you were thinking any number and quite possibly all of the following:

1. Why, God? Why?
2. With friends like this, who needs enemies?
3. O no, I'm going to be sick.
4. Hmm, I wonder what that tastes like.

In between the chest pain, heavy breathing and cold sweat, I managed to regain my composure and actually hold the severed foot. After hearing "EAT IT! EAT IT! EAT IT!" chants (if you leave a 'that's what he said' note in the comments, I'll love you forever), most notably by Forsoothsayer, I tried the damn thing. Contrary to my personal belief, the severed foot was gooier than expected and I wasn't able to pull it apart - thus negating its disgustingness and allowing for an easier ingestion of said candy. I managed to barely chew the whole thing and guess what?! It was gross!

Moral of the story: If it looks like a severed foot and acts like a severed foot, it'll taste like a severed foot. Children, beware.

Things I've Learned While Being Sidelined with Swine Flu and Other Related Illnesses

• Your coworkers will be happy you're back, but will insist you keep the window next to your desk open at all times

• Your sister will show empathy towards you until you're able to put your pants on by yourself and then she'll act like she's never met you before
  

• Coughing up green things is good for you
  

• It's possible to pull muscles next to your lungs. After laying on the floor and being felt up by a doctor you work with, you can be diagnosed with having a fractured rib. Regardless of what it actually is, an exorcism is probably less painful.
  

I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with myself once I'm healthy again. Skydive? Show jump? Wrestle a bear? The possibilities are endless.

Oink

It was inevitable, really. If anyone was going to get swine flu, it was going to be me. Because seriously, if my body's going to fall prey to regular food poisoning, salmonella and typhoid, WHY WOULDN'T IT contract swine flu? I might as well have tied a ribbon in my hair and held up a "Welcome Home" banner because if this body is anything, it's a sucker for disease.

I've been feeling slightly under the weather since last Sunday, but soldiered through in order to make it to my cousin's wedding. The wedding went off without a hitch, I went to work the next day (Wednesday), got told I looked like death, and took Thursday off. New Year's Eve came and went with a blur - at 12:05, I was nursing a 101 degree Fahrenheit (38.6 degree Celcius for those of you who insist on calling soccer 'football') fever and receiving cold compresses. The next day, I missed my other cousin's birthday dinner (Thai food - my favorite) and quality time with my family friends from Kuwait. O, and there was that four hour gap in the middle of the night where I threw up five times, but who's counting?

Yesterday, when my fever refused to quit, I took my wobbly legs to the doctor. Before his cold as ice stethoscope touched my aching chest, he diagnosed me with the swine. So, now I'm on bed rest for five days. There are worse ways I could be spending time away from work, but with all my shows on hiatus, my laptop time is in serious distress. My YouTube is working fine though, so please send me entertaining links!

Happy Holidays!

Hope your holiday season is filled with humor, health and happiness!


Me? I'll be running around doing last minute errands for my cousin's wedding (Part Two) in a few days. Merry stinkin' Christmas!

So, are you back yet?

I went to a party last night. Probably not the best idea I've ever had, seeing as how a) I'm still recovering from this pesky cold, and b) parties in Cairo usually blow. True to form, it was crowded, smokey, and the music was questionable at best. One friend said it felt like a Sadie Hawkin's dance - complete with ribbons tied around the poles strategically placed around the venue (and the girl dancing up on one of them, but that's neither here nor there). At one point, the DJ played Michael Jackson's Human Nature. Where does one go after hearing that song AT A PARTY?! where other people are there? and it's not in one's bedroom?

Now, at every party I've been to since moving back to Cairo from London three years ago, I've seen the same people and had the same conversations over and over again. When I started wearing glasses the year I was away, I came back and people all of a sudden failed to recognize me. I'm telling you, it was some crazy Clark Kent activity. I'd lift my glasses up, and people would be like, "O! YOU! I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU!" Really? Because it's not like I was wearing these...

For the past two years or so now, the comments are less 'o-you-look-so-different-now' and more 'so-are-you-based-here-now?' I kid you not, I was asked this no less than eight times last night. And all I could think about was, you saw me a few months ago, and I said yes. And a few months before that, my answer was also 'affirmative.' And the few months before that? You guessed it! Yes.

So, Internet, my question is: Have I really been living under a rock or is everyone an idiot? Because this brown skin isn't a result of dirt build-up. I've seen the sun.

DC - Day 2

The main reason behind my trip stateside was my cousin's (whadduuup) wedding. The day was all fun and games until four women had to pile into a bathroom to do their hair and makeup. Let's all take a minute to say thanks for the fact that that ended with no serious injuries or death. Of course my travel buddy got involved in the action. I'll let him tell the rest of this story...

So, here I am helping the bride with her makeup. This tennis elbow I seem to have developed from holding my arm like this wasn't helping much, but I tried my best.

Here I am with the dinner menu at the wedding, as well as the baby tabasco sauce that was served with our oysters and the most delicious pumpkin drink ever.


After the dinner reception, we made our way over to the W Hotel (in a limo - what whaaaat!), where we had the nicest service imaginable.

Limo shot:
Hospitality at its finest:

Unfortunately, the night came to an end when the groom passed out. At least he was kind enough to keep me warm in his lapel.

More shenanigans to follow.

Hello World!

Internet! Hello! I've missed you and all you have to offer. (That's not really true, have you guys used Hulu in the States - ON DEMAND HIGH DEF TV AT YOUR FINGERTIPS!) But I have missed sharing stories with you here. Where have I been, you ask (or you should ask, if you haven't already)? My cousin (whadduuuup) got married two weeks ago, and I went to Washington, DC for her special day. I gallivanted around DC and New York for a couple weeks, having an awesome time not thinking about Cairo or work. Here's the first installment of photos from my trip, with a little help from my travel buddy, Coqui.

My first full day in DC was on Thanksgiving. Here were are eating our weight in pumpkin and pecan pies.

My boy cousin decided pie wasn't quite complete without some whipped cream, so here we are with his little addition.

Filled to the brim with Thanksgiving deliciousness, we all piled into the car and went to the movies. Taking this photo was almost as obnoxious as the Gulfie kids that shine laser pens at the screen.


It was pretty cold in the movie theater, and since I forgot to bring a jacket for us to share, Coqui slipped into my cousin's shirt for a little warmth. Pervert.


On our way home, we found this donor-cycle that Coqui wanted to ride on. I don't condone motorcycles in any way, shape or form, and Coqui was scolded as soon as we were out of public earshot.

Check back tomorrow, where you'll meet some of our friends, see the sushi that was THE BUSINESS, and get a glimpse at all the wedding festivities!

Top Five

Reasons why I can't bring myself to do the task I'm supposed to be working on:

1. It's boring
2. I had foul for lunch, and my brain cells are still trying to process why
3. The comments on the New York Magazine Gossip Girl recap (don't judge me) are hilarious and I can't stop reading them
4. I'm trying to preempt my boss' eventual questions related to why I haven't finished my work
5. I'm trying to think of ways to dumb down this task so that the intern can do it

The way I see it, I have three options:

1. Do the work
2. Don't do the work
3. Take a nap under my desk

Right now, I'm thinking of doing myself a solid by combining 2 and 3, and calling it a day. Do you have any other ideas?

Mr. Brendanawicz

I've been in bed since Tuesday. No, seriously, Tuesday. November 3rd, 2009. It's now November 8th (of the same year). You'd think cabin fever would have kicked in and I'd be smashing things on the ground, drawing on the walls, tearing my hair out...but not really. And you know why? Because we've had a visitor. Mr. Brendanawicz.


Now, why would I invite a rubber chicken into my home, you ask? Because this rubber chicken's wings are fused together! Usually my COMPLETELY RATIONAL fear of feathered beings would have consumed me, but Mr. Brendanawicz has been pretty great about keeping his clucking under control, his beak to himself, and his arms at his side. He's also taken full liberties within the house, getting into all of my stuff.

Here he is trying to be cute, hiding in my medicine.


He's just a tiny little chickadee though, and all the fun and games gave him a sore throat. I told him to take a Vitamin C effervescent.


I also made him some hot lemon juice. You know, for his vocal chords.


Mr. Brendanawicz heard about Little One's blueberry pancakes, and decided to hang out in the freezer until she agreed to make him some.


After dinner, we brushed our teeth and watched some tv.




Mr. Brendanawicz was pretty tired by this point, and was about to get in bed, but decided to have one last round of play time with Coco.


Now...what was that I said about cabin fever?

Happy Birthday, Little One

Little One, you're 19 today! I remember the day you were born, when Dad sleepily and begrudgingly took me to the Baker Caper Halloween party (probably because I was whining about NEEDING candy corn), every birthday you've had ever since, and all the funny faces you've made along the way. While you surprise me, every day, with your maturity (and wit, of course), some things have remained the same since you were a wee lass. Let's have a look, shall we?

Your personal hygiene has always been important, and because we share a room, I can't thank you enough for that.


Sometimes you cry, but always for good reason.


You've always been industrious. I'm sure these motor skills would have come in handy had you not shunned a career in plastic surgery (because really, where's an Economics degree going to get you?).


You still make this face when the idea of pancakes for dinner comes up.


You were smiling with your eyes long before Tyra told you to.


You've retained control of your bladder.


You don't judge me when I wear questionable outfits.


Love you, Little One. Hope this 19th year is everything you could ever wish for. And more.

If you want to get something done, you have to do it yourself

You know, Internet, when I come home from a long, hard day at work, all I want is to plop down in front of the television with a nice, warm meal. That's not too much to ask, is it? After my day of networking and shmoozing with the likes of AlBERT Gore, I came home to work on an assignment I hadn't been able to look at during the day and asked Little One what she was going to have for dinner. "Pancakes," she replied. Ahh, brinner. The awesomeness of breakfast, for dinner! I informed her I wanted in on that action after I finished my work, and she politely, as usual, obliged.

After waiting for HRH to finish whatever she was watching, I accompanied her to the kitchen to supervise her pancake making. "Don't screw it up," I jokingly told her as she warmed the skillet. Apparently, Little One thought yesterday was Opposite Day, and did EXACTLY WHAT I TOLD HER NOT TO.

Behold:



Have you ever seen a more disgusting looking pancake? I sure as hell haven't.

Then she made this face, which I believe meant she was sorry.



Here was the final product, a "yin yang" she called it, after she shoved the two broken pieces together.



And finally, with some powdered sugar, to soothe the flames now coming out of my ears.

Confirmed

I finally got my mystery ailment diagnosed out last night. I have "remnants of salmonella typhoid." Sounds delicious, no? My symptoms started nearly two years ago in Sudan, when I woke up to find my previously digested dinner on the floor. Since that fateful night, I've taken antibiotics roughly four or five times (I get violently ill roughly every six months or so), but some bacteria appears to have taken up permanent residence in my body and continues to float around like it owns the place. My doctor prescribed another short course of antibiotics to kill the remaining suckers, so here's hoping I'll be puke free from October 2009! Pray with me, Internet.

In defense of home schooling

I met up with a great friend who I hadn't seen in three years last night, and after some catching up, I went over to her house to visit with her parents. Her parents have been in Egypt for quite some time, and are moving back to America next week. After listening to endless stories about my friend's nieces, her mom, Vovo, told me this story, about her other daughter (V) and granddaughter (A), age 5.

A: Mommy, what's a lesbian?

V: Umm...it's when two people really love each other, and they're both girls.

A: Do they kiss?

V: Umm...yes, they kiss.

A: O, so me and Vovo are lesbians!

And that, Internet, is why my children will live in a bubble.

Cravings

I need food. Like, immediately. Even faster than immediately, if possible. And if it's not possible, MAKE IT POSSIBLE. Examples of things I'd like to eat/imbibe include:

• ten thousand Oreo cookies
  
• a Dr. Pepper
• pickles
• a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich
• grapes
• iced tea
• all of the above, at the same time (like a milkshake)

So, maybe I'm pregnant. OR this fasting is really taking its toll. Either way, my insides are ninja'ing their way through my stomach and I don't know if I can make it till.........

(I didn't make it)

Asking for it

My mother found out about this blog soon after I started it, and immediately my gut clenched, my palms got sweaty, and I thought, "O poor readers, imagine all the fun stories I COULD have told you." And then I realized that tapeworms lead more interesting lives than I do, and nothing I could ever write here would require password protection.

Yesterday, however, my mom informed me that she stopped visiting this site after she saw this post, presumably because happier words could never be typed again, except for maybe, "Hey Mom, I'm getting married! To a man!" So, let the games begin! If you see me walking around with a limp, black eye, or missing a patch of hair, you'll know I was doing some investigative journalism to keep you satiated. You can thank me later. Or now. With cookies.

Question

Do we need to talk about how awesome my new socks are?

Today: Size 2. Tomorrow: Size Beached Whale.

Me: How many calories are in this can of Pringles?

Little One: 900.

Me: Whoa, that's a lot.

Little One: Were you planning on eating the whole thing?

Me: Yeah. And the rest of yours.

Little One: That's disgusting.

Me: And...?

Things I did over the past three days instead of working on the thing I needed to work on

• Throw up. Twice
• Nap, watch TV, repeat.
• Stick my footses in Little One's pocket and shout, "Check your pocket!"
• Yell at the new guard for ringing the intercom three times while I was napping
• Yell at the driver for ringing the intercom, thinking he was the guard
• Curse the freezer for not spilling over with chocolate ice cream

It really is a wonder I manage to put my socks on and make it out the door every morning. And that Little One hasn't smothered me in my sleep.

Like chopsticks in the ears, but worse

Internet, my ears will never be the same again.

More Positive Than Your Average Bear and I have accounts on last.fm, and today I thought it would be a good idea to listen to the tracks he's 'favorite-d.' BIG MISTAKE. I don't know what just happened, but my ears were assaulted like never before (well, there was that one time I had to sit through Hakim's assuredly drug-induced performance at my cousin's wedding, but that's neither here nor there). One of the songs was a TECHNO REMIX OF A BRITNEY SPEARS SONG. God, give me strength.

Help me recover, Internet. If you could recommend one (or more!) song(s) right this minute, what would it (they) be? I need help, world. Help me. Help me. Help me.

I miss you, life

Well, hello, Internet. Fancy meeting you here. Right?! Because WHERE THE HECK HAS MY TIME GONE? It feels like I've been jumping from one catastrophe to the next, and I'm like, "There are three episodes of The Office queued up on my laptop, does it look like I have time for this?" But I digress.

Since Friday, I've been in a workshop that has left me with no time to do anything except listen to mind numbing filibusters (GRE word!) and get to know my car in the Biblical sense. I've also been going home past 10 pm every night. If you were standing next to me today, you may or may not have heard me hiss at the sun when I managed to leave before dusk.

The highlight of the this workshop has been chilling with the Grand Mufti (who is AWESOME), but there have been a few lows. These include having to hear the following:

• bibeline
• tob down
• vincinity (vicinity)
  
• bassion
  
• excepression
• unprofessionality
• verbing and wording
• backaging
• smoked salamon
• Where am I?

I'm not even kidding you about the last point. Someone ACTUALLY said that today, after sitting in the conference hall for five days. If I hadn't eaten my weight in baby croissants, I just might have walked out. After putting a few baby croissants in my pocket for the drive home, of course.

Ugh, If I Must

Happy first birthday, stinking blog.

Text messages you wish you had

So, I missed my blog's birthday. I'm sad about this, but not THAT sad. I mean, if this blog was my baby, and I forgot to throw a celebration for its first birthday, I'd be a horrible mother, right? But this is the internet, and I don't know how much I care about you guys, so who cares, right? However, cupcakes would have been nice.

Anyway, I need to get back into the regular swing of things over here at thingsonmymindgrapes, and the last time I did this it was a big hit, so here you go. Text messages that currently exist on my phone, part deux:

Please! Take me now.

I was putting make up on and my dad was like do you need help he is all over me

Such flagrant nose picking!

i had some rice with a couple girls last night. long grain.

Damn you crustacean. Your nastiness and craziness amazes me.

do i smell generalization!

One of the EIGHT movers is kind of cute, in a pseudo-vagrant kind of way. I figure that’s still a good statistic for egypt.

Some girl just asked to borrow my notes from last class and I was like “you can HAVE this doodle of a sheep but I don’t know how useful it will be.”

It’ll find a way into the oxford dictionary. I did some favours (notice the u!) for some editors there a few years back but I don’t wanna talk about it.

You whine like a chimp in heat. It’s pathetic.

Just had a flash back of trying to do the splits and falling on my face last night. How old am i?

Just saw hottest guy I’ve seen in real life for some time now. The secretaries actually swooned. Will investigate for you.

Got the job. Will be weird not seeing you in 12 hour intervals.

Econ professor just said regularize 4 times. Then she wrote it on the board.

I’m never going to find a husband.

The leopard vest returns!

At the islamophobia conf @ auc. Btw, terrorism began with the mafia in italy. So, if we want to pt a finger, lets start there.

You is!

Who owns two leopard vests?!

Have a safe flight mon friar

We xam dooo whatever u liiiike haha

O say can you Little One

Little One and I are seven years apart. Growing up, this meant that I couldn't do anything fun because a) she'd either ruin it, or b) want to copy me, end up sucking, cry, wipe her snot on me. This also meant that at an age where I wanted to explore my inner child, we couldn't have sugary drinks that turned your tongue purple for fear of her bouncing off the walls and cracking her skull open, or bring home a pet for fear of her riding it. The absolute worst thing about our age difference, though, was being told, "don't get her excited before bed" every time Little One rested her moppy head.

For reasons unknown to anyone, RIGHT before Little One's bedtime is when I get the crazies. Symptoms include jumping jacks, pokes, putting every sentence to music, and making a general fool out of myself, all the while having Little One, and often our mother, refrain from rolling their eyes back too hard out of fear that they'll stay that way.

Tonight, as Little One was getting into bed, I did the following:

1. Throw four shirts and three pairs of jeans at the foot of her bed, one by one, and hang them back up in the closet at a painstakingly slow pace.

2. Rip the sheet and comforter off of my bed and violently thrown them onto her, and say, "What? It's messy."

3. Mutter "nose pickers are deaf" under my breath as our mom walked out of the room.

4. Rub in the fact that Coco loves me more than her by recounting the number of times she's slept on my bed this week.

Oops. Good luck waking up in exactly 6 hours, sucker!

*Also, and consider this my public service announcement to you, the Internet: If anyone lures you into their home under the pretense of watching He's Just Not That Into You, THEY WANT TO KILL YOU. Consider yourselves warned. Don't say I never gave you nothing.

Updates

Internet, I've been neglecting you. Well, not the entirety of the internet, but this here page in particular. In fact, I wish I could ignore the internet more and write here all the time, but a) I love the internet too much, and b) I don't really have all that much to say. Also, you'd get bored, I'd get bored, there'd be a nasty break-up, we'd avoid each other on the street...Wait, what?

Anyway, I hope to be back to regular posting after next week, but in the mean time, some of things currently making my head explode include:

1. The new Twitter account I just set up for the cousins in my family: I don't know if these goosebumps are from excitement related to that, or the MEAT LOCKER status of my office.

2. Ellen DeGeneres replacing Paula Abdul on 'American Idol': I hope one of the contestants is a carpenter so she can tell them they NAILED IT.

3. Cupcakes: As in, why aren't there any IN MY MOUTH.

4. Analogies: I can't even begin to express my loathing for these. Bird is to fish as chopstick is to IN MY EYE PIERCING MY FRONTAL LOBE.

26: In Pictures

So, it's official. I'm old. BUT, getting there was fun. Have a look!



Got this WIIIICKED nail kit from my parents first thing in the morning. I don't know if my parents wanted to get me a present so much as my mom wanted me OUT OF HER CRAP, but excellent either way.



Got this necklace from FJ after I coveted it in her house a few weeks ago. My neck might buckle under the weight of it, but it'll totally be worth it.



Little One's envelope. Sealed with quality spit to prevent Coco from getting into it, and stuffed with this:



I'm not sure if she really understands how we're related.



Red velvet cupcakes. I've never been to heaven before, but I bet if you licked it, it would taste like these bad boys.



Books from Eureka. She's big on the edumacation.



Bling, from Little One, Brownies and Mouse. Wear your sunglasses the next time you're around me. You might get blinded by this ice. (Okay, these aren't really diamonds, but how badass did that sound?!)

That's how it ended, Internet. Great year, great birthday, great family and friends. But not THAT GREAT. There's always next year. Start planning.