How to Annoy Your Family

Bring home guinea pigs.

Two friends had been in the possession of Mac and Cheese, two furry, but not so friendly, guinea pigs after one thought they'd be a cute birthday present for the other. For days, I heard about how annoying the guinea pigs were, how they didn't like to cuddle (they're INCHES long, what cuddling?!), and how they liked to eat their own poop. Reaching the end of their wits, they decided to give the guinea pigs away.

MJ and FJ asked me if I thought my former students would benefit from having the buggers around. The kids are in a physical rehabilitative center, and I thought the little critters would be fun class pets. It would teach the kids responsibility, give them something to look at, and provide general happiness across the board. And I was right! The first day went smoothly, with a success rate of about two out of twelve kids showing interest in the guinea pigs. What I didn't remember though, was that the next day was a long holiday and the pigs would need a home for the break.

Being the sucker that I am, I brought them to my abode. My sister and I quickly renamed them Fatty and Horse Face, and were generally amused with the guys for about half an hour. They're quite cute animals, if you can get over their insane leg span and disturbingly sharp claws. We put them in the guest bathroom, hoping they'd go unnoticed, but not wanting to induce heart attacks in any family members, we admitted their presence that night.

Over the course of the next seven days, Fatty and Horse Face were the topic of much conversation and rage. They were ridiculously messy, moving their floor lining everywhere except inside their cage. Their high-pitched squeaks were audible from miles away, indicating that they were hungry. (They fit in my palm - they don't need that much lettuce!) Their poop was everywhere, they truly didn't like to cuddle, and they were giving our cat heart palpitations. We finally gave them back yesterday, and the house has never been quieter. I didn't think I was a fan of animal testing, but after last week, I'm radically reevaluating my moral stance.