Well Played, Hiccups

Things it's almost impossible to do while hiccups are kicking your ass:

1. Sound important and knowledgeable during a meeting
2. Blow your nose without asphyxiating yourself
3. Not annoy your coworkers
4. Bust out some seated, ghetto fab moves while listening to the new Mos Def album in your car
5. Put some water out for your cat without spilling it all over the floor

Damn you, hiccups. Seven times in one day? I mean, if we're going for world records, let's start with something we know we're good at. Like this!

Knowing your market value

My boss' 16 year old son is interning at my office for the summer. We had a few hiccups when he first started - his English isn't as good as I thought it was, and miscommunication led to some pretty amusing exchanges. Yesterday, after helping him insert a row into the table he was working on (a task which the five other people in his office were incapable of doing), he sauntered over to my desk, leaned on my chair, flipped to a random page in my notebook, and wrote down his cell number and e-mail address (firstname_the greatking@hotmail.com). Today, I'm in a skirt and have my hair down (two looks which I've abandoned completely in the workplace for a reason I can only describe as: I really couldn't give an eff), and The Great King came over and asked me why I looked so good.

One word: Sa-weet!

Saturday Madness

At the wedding I went to on Saturday, I:

• Got mosquito bites in areas I didn't even know I had
• Had dinner twice
  
• Was awesomely surprised by the return of the OssMan (WICKED surprise, bruv. Innit!)
  
• Replied, "I like songs by Black people!" when asked what kind of music I wanted to listen to
• Chatted with someone who goes by FHB, the B standing for 'Brince'

Good thing the people I know aren't in the habit of marrying each other because I don't know if activity like that needs to be repeated. Except for the fun surprises. Next time though, OssMan, bring presents. We might be a LITTLE MORE excited that way.

There's only so much I can do for her

Little One: Guess how many times I hit myself in the head with my laptop today? Hint: It's not zero.

Good thing summer school starts up again tomorrow. This swine flu-induced school shut down has definitely not done wonders for her intellect.

Geeks Just Wanna Have Fun

On Saturday, I'm going to the all-day wedding of a good friend. Said friend is really into books about dragons, and engaging in multi-player video games where you create your own world and language and food or something. I haven't quite figured out how the game (maybe there's more than one?) works because every time I inquire about it, my eyes glaze over, rigor mortis sets in, and the people around me have to do that CLEAR! business and put electrically charged paddles to my chest. Tonight's his bachelor party, and his male friends have created a treasure hunt-type activity for the groom - complete with clues and all. Doesn't this just make you want to pinch their nerdy little cheeks?

False Advertising

My recent cereal purchase claims to be a "Good Source of Vitamin D." Really? Because a good source of vitamin D would be NOT BEING IN MY OFFICE listening to my office mate ask me if her mosquito bites were swine flu. Or hearing my boss tell me that his son who's interning at the office for the summer can have the money he paid for his lunch back if he gets sick and it all comes up again. Or reading a report that talks about "aluminum casserole." What does that even mean?! Here's to getting some real vitamin D exposure, as well as losing some water weight, before Saturday, or else I'll be walking around my friend's wedding looking like this:

Things you wish you talked to your friends about

Below is a list of topics discussed with some of my besties over gross chocolate cake last night:

• fish in alexandria (we should have it)
  
• american politics (we're sick of talking about it)
  
• bathing suits and wandering eyes (we don't like the combination)
  
• mexican food (we thought we were going to have it today)
  
• okay books turned into bad movies where little girls are subjected to the advances of nasty old men (we don't like this combination either)
  
• stool samples (I should produce (?) one to check if I have the typhoid parasite or not)
  

We're an eclectic bunch. If you're lucky, maybe we'll talk to YOU about molestation and poop the next time you see us out!

Sister, Sister

Me: Little One! Come sit in the room with me!

Little One: Okay! What will we do?

Me: I don't know, talk?

Little One: UGH.

Seriously, Little One? It's not like I was going to teach you how to twirl a baton (which, by the way, would be AWE-SOME) or roll your eyes so hard that you hurt the back of your neck. I mean, we have to leave some things until you're older.

Office Humor

It's paragraphs like this that make report editing not as mind-numbing:

A small sample of women were asked which TV spots they had seen on avian influenza and they immediately recalled the Shaaban Abdel Rahim spots. The sampled women believed that there was a vaccine against avian influenza for humans. The study team identified one spot on vaccinating birds, but the star of the spot, Shaaban Abdel Rahim, ends with a jingle that says: “take a shot and feel at ease.” Obviously, he was addressing a chicken, but many individuals were confused.

Yes, of course. Of course he was addressing a chicken. Who wouldn't? My fear of birds aside, how does one actually address a chicken? Do they respond better to jingles? How can you tell if they're listening? WHERE ARE THE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS?!

It's a good thing I wasn't drinking milk just now

Seldom do I laugh out loud when I'm reading things on the internet (the rare exceptions being e-mails from my idiot friends, as Josephine loves pointing out). However, my attention was recently brought to this blog by Spaz, and I've been eating up the archives like softball field hot dogs.

One particular entry, from February 2003, highlights activities from the blogger's weekend. She says:

• preparing to give Steve a black eye and his sober friend Andy getting very concerned and saying, “Sarah, I don’t think you should do that!” while his drunk friend Tony yelled “HIT HIM!”

I'd like to think I'm a Tony and not an Andy.

Confession

The only foreseeable reason to have a man in my life right now would be to open the jar of green olives tormenting me from the refrigerator.

Windex, The Pants' Cleaner

Someone landed on this page after typing this into their search bar:

"you can call me coffee i grind so fine. i like to clean my pants with windex on occasion.- whats thi"

Yes. That is exactly the theme I was going for when I started this blog.

Question

Today's intellectual conversation (see others here and here), brought to you by Little One and I:

Me: So, do boy cats have nipples?

Little One: Hmm, good question. Don't all mammals have nips?

Me: Well, do zebras have nips?

Little One: I guess so. Male monkeys have nips. Is that just specific to primates, though? YOU'RE specific to primates. *snicker*

Zing. Maybe, but that still doesn't answer my question.

How many Egyptians?

The men in my family had the bright idea of wearing bow ties for my cousin's wedding a couple weeks back. My dad, perhaps the brightest of the bunch, bought a pre-tied bow tie, but was told that real, untied ties were coming in from Switzerland. Little did anyone know, however, was that none of the men knew how to tie these ties (stop saying ties).

So, in came the women. The groom's sister brought a Google print out detailing the exact steps, and in between getting our make up and hair done, we all tried to master the art of the bow tie. Which we did. Observe:

Step 1: Attempt to tie the tie on your cousin's forearm.

Step 2: If that doesn't work, attempt to tie the bow tie on the bed.

Step 3: If THAT doesn't work, attempt to tie the bow tie around Little One's neck while she holds up the directions. This step is usually the most beneficial.


Success!

Overheard at the ACE Club

Random Fool: Hey Peter, we're going to a bar after this! You in?

Peter: YEAH MAN! Where are we going?

Random Fool: PUB 55! IT'S TOXIC TUESDAY!

Don't do it, Peter. Don't do it.

Nuweiba Power Plant

Dr. Oubi asked me to put up a link to this petition to Stop the Destruction of Nuweiba and its Coral Reefs. The Egyptian Electricity Holding Company, funded by the European Investment Bank and the African Development Bank, plan to build a power plant in the middle of Nuweiba, South Sinai. The plant poses a threat to local tourism, the local Bedouin population, and of course, the environment.

Please sign the petition, and read here and here for more information on the project.

Think of the fishes!

Twitter

I've protected my Twitter updates out of fear that potential employers might track my e-mail address and discover all the "wonderful" things I've said about my current job and the people that I share office space with. This blows, because now they don't show up to the right of where you're currently reading. Were the updates a value added to this blog? Did you even notice them? Did you think they were annoying text ads? Let me know - if you don't have Twitter and would like to see them reappear, maybe I'll switch the e-mail address I use and link them back onto this blog. Speak up, nerds!

Update: Figured out how to change the e-mail address. Tweets are back!

Recap

I'm a whiner (not to be confused with 'winner,' of which I also am, but that's neither here nor there). Roonies has earned the righteous title of Master Complainer, but I think I've got whining down. It's hard to notice under my cute and cuddly facade, and I try to bat my non-existent but Lancome-slathered eyelashes to distract from how annoying I really may be at any given moment, but I generally feel the need to comment, sometimes negatively, on situations I find myself in (see: this blog). So, with that cleared up, let's address this mystery illness I've been the not-so-silent victim of one last (ha!) time.

Things that have gone into my mouth (minus a 'that's what she said' joke) from Monday, May 25th to Monday, June 1st:

• 3 bowls of cereal
• 2 spoons of fava beans
• 1/2 bowl of plain pasta
• 2 spoons of plain rice
• 4 pieces of brown toast
• 1 banana
• 3 bottles of Gatorade in colors not found in nature
  
• 1/2 boiled potato
• 1 bowl of corn soup

Things that have come back up and out of my mouth since Monday, May 25th:

• 1 bowl of corn soup

Number of unexpected days taken off work: 3

Total weight loss: 4 kilos

General feeling: Worse than when I had salmonella (o yes, folks, this body is the gift that keeps giving)

Estimated time required to pass before I can handle a similar illness: The next time someone at work suggests ordering (the good) sausage sandwiches.*

*Note, my illness was not the result of (the good) sausage sandwich eating. However, the precarious nature of my stomach is dissuading me from eating anything that hasn't been sterilized. I have no will power, though, and will crumble at the mere suggestion of Manousha. Coworkers, if I've ever wanted you to read this blog (which I never have), NOW IS THE TIME.