You want me to do what now?

Bless my job for giving me material to write about, but this is just getting ridiculous. Yesterday, after my triumphant return to the office after my week in Jordan, I was assigned five separate tasks for three different projects. Over the course of yesterday and today, some of the comments I've heard include:

• I'd like to rephrase this. I don't know to what though. Fix it.
  
• Do you think he'll notice if we copy and paste a section from this document dating back to 1929?
• So...I brought back this large stack of material. You brought back...nothing? Hmm.
  
• Do you think we should put this in alphabetical order? I think so. No, no. Wait, yes. No. Okay, yes.
• Can I have a hug?

In my mind, the only response to these comments are, "EVERYTHING IS FINE HOW IT IS, and no, I don't want to touch you! Now leave me alone so I can get back to this*."

*Beware: Clicking on this link will result in zero productivity for the rest of your day. So, clearly, click on it.